Maybe this should be a new acronym: AWJ. The source of the faux-pology.
I’m glad this guy sent an apology. Most people in his situation would not have. However…
I’m fascinated by how he phrases his apology.
Back-story: The maître d’ at a restaurant in York, Maine received an apology letter and a $100 tip from a customer that had acted boorishly to her.
Can you please give this $100 along with my apology to the girl who was at the hostess station/podium taking names to be seated for dinner on Monday July 5th at around 5-6 p.m. I was very rude to her – which is out of character for me – I have way more respect for people than I showed that day. Pre-dinner cocktails before getting to the Bluff may have contributed— No excuse…
When our large party was having difficult being seated and the wait was longer than I thought– I said, loudly… “this is b***” to her, and I left. I feel bad. This is coming from a guy who tells people to be kind to service staff and tip big, post-pandemic— how hypocritical.
I will apologize to her in person the next time I am in York. I have been going to York every year for the 4th of July week with my family for over 25 years.
You never want to be “that guy” and that day I was “that guy” – sincerely sorry –
Notice, half of the first paragraph is nothing but self-justification.
“I was very rude to her – which is out of character for me…” Does anyone care whether it’s out of character? I think the people at that restaurant only care whether he actually did it.
“I have way more respect for people than I showed that day.” But he didn’t show respect for her. (And he still doesn’t show respect for her by calling her “the girl” earlier in the letter.)
“Pre-dinner cocktails…may have contributed…” If they contributed, it was only by letting him be himself. His inhibitions were down, and he was saying what he really thought. He has an asshole deep inside him, which he usually keeps tightly controlled, but he was out of control that day.
“No excuses…” And yet, he starts by making excuses. He has to state for the record that he is not that kind of person. Who’s he trying to convince? My guess is he’s trying to convince himself.
If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, here’s how you start your apology:
Can you please give this $100 along with my apology to the woman who was the hostess… I was very rude to her. [full stop]
When our large party was having difficulty being seated, I said…
Just say you were wrong and were acting like an asshole and that you’re sorry. No explanations. No self-justifications. No excuses that you later need to disclaim.
The first time you do it, it may feel wrong—because you’re challenging your own view of yourself, your own self-identity, by facing reality as it really is. This gets easier with practice.